lonely

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That’s how it has been for quite some time now.

Not yet to the point of depressing, but lonely nonetheless.

The effort to keep myself connected to people is tiring.

The energy spent on making life happen is exhausting.

Days can pass by with me just lying on my bed for hours.

I can easily slip away without anyone noticing.

If only escaping the life I’m stuck with comes easy, I would’ve already packed my stuff and flew somewhere.

Daily routines have become mundane. Everyday stressors have become so frustrating I wish to never deal with them anymore.

If only I had the resources…

People only give a damn when you make the first move. They only take and take. Without any move, they’ll just forget. It shows how unimportant you really are to them.

No one is really looking for you.

No one really wants you even for the smallest things.

When you’re not even the last resort because you’re not even in their list of options.

Disappearing somewhere else seems so highly appealing. If only I have the means to do it. But how pathetic can it be, to work hard just so you can leave everything behind?

creativity is contagious

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I’ve been working in a social marketing agency for almost a year and it’s totally a whole new experience for me.

First, it’s just a small office where there are just 15 people at most. Before this, I worked for one outsourcing organisation after another. They were big corporations where there were hundreds of employees that I never met. But now, I know all their names and I work with all of them almost all the time.

Second, it’s output-based. There’s no such thing as quota. Our tasks depend on what needs to be done on a given day. When I was a technical writer in 2009 an offline English tutor in 2012, I had to write 10 summaries and check 100 student audio recordings per day respectively. There was no down time.

Third, it’s filled with my kind of people. In my previous job as a virtual administrative assistant, I was surrounded by accountants and all I heard from them were numbers. I was bored and out of place, unlike now where I spend five days a week with copywriters, graphic designers, animators, and web developers. My days are filled with the daily buzz of ideas for images and videos.

When I started with them in April 2018, I thought I’d never come up with anything because social media marketing is a strange new world for me. So when I’m asked to help on proposals for prospective clients’ social media pages, I’d wish I’d be busy with the usual social media calendar stuff to spare myself from embarrassment. Of course, I wasn’t always lucky.

Words from colleagues such as “Just put your ideas on the deck” scare the hell out of me because I already made it certain to myself that I could never contribute anything. Or if I did, it wouldn’t be that good. However, I realized that things like that could change. I noticed that the longer I work with these people, coming up with ideas had become easier. Yes, most of my ideas are still kind of lame, but I’ve become confident with sharing them. And for some reason, our clients like my “lame” ideas.

Another thing I noticed after working with them for some time is that I’ve become encouraged to go back to my writing. Most of the graphic designers I work with do some freelance jobs after work. They also make some designs that they just put up on their social media to share. At one point, I wished I just took up fine arts when I was in college so that I could do what they’re doing now and someday create something I could be proud of.

But then, I realized that I still could.

Not as a designer, but as a writer.

Before I knew it, story ideas have started sprouting inside my head and my hands are itching to write them down and complete them right away. For a couple of years, my head has been in drought. I couldn’t think of anything unlike before.

The only problem now is time. Before, I didn’t have much to do. Most of the time, my tasks were done even before dinner (our lunch). I had all the time in the world to create, but there were no ideas to use. Now, there’s less down time at work. I work on around four accounts and, every time I thought I will have free time, our project managers will message me with some task. However, I’m not that worried. I know that with this new drive within me, I’ll be able to find ways and time to write.

getting into a passion project

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Last weekend, I attended this conference with my colleagues. It’s called Graphika Manila. It’s a conference for creatives (graphic designers, animators, painters, etc.). I had no intention of going there despite being intrigued of what it was about ever since I heard about it. I’m a writer after all, but our content head said that we, writers, can pick up a thing or two if we go there…

So, I said, “Yes.”

To be honest, I got bored. It was a two-day event. 7 hours each. 6 speakers per day. All have an hour to talk. But it wasn’t the event, it was just ME. It’s a conference for creatives, it’s not my alley. Seeing the speakers’ works on the giant screen was cool and fun, but hearing all the technical whatnot is a different story. I would’ve left early and skipped the second day if my ticket wasn’t paid for by my company.

On the second day, however, I suddenly felt thankful I got a chance to be there.

I just got back from the one-hour break with my fellow writer when the next speaker was already starting her talk. Lauren Hom. I have no idea who she is, but apparently, she’s an artist who specializes in lettering/calligraphy. But it wasn’t her specialization that got me listening, it was her topic that afternoon – PASSION PROJECTS.

Using herself as an example, she talked about passion projects in general. How starting one helped her jumpstart her career and establish herself. It was inspiring to say the least. I learned a lot from her. The tips she gave that afternoon made me want to start a passion project of my own.

And that’s what I’m intending to do.

So during this short 3-day break (thanks to Chinese New Year), I’ve been thinking of how to start a passion project. I know I can’t just start drawing or creating visual stuff because that’s not me. I’M A WRITER. Not a designer. So the project should be related to writing. That’s my passion after all.

It’s kind of a no-brainer, actually. Right away, I thought of finally starting a novel. An original fiction. Not a fanfic. It’s been a plan for years, but I never get a chance to work on it. Either I have no plot or no time. Which are just excuses, by the way. I was just lazy.

Hopefully, this time I’ll be able to commit to this project “wholeheartedly.” No more procrastinating. No more distractions.

Currently, I’m googling some tips on how to start this writing passion project. I have some idea, but I’m still looking around for one. Maybe, if by chance someone’s reading this, you can suggest some (Google isn’t being helpful right now)? Thank you in advance!

are you where you’re supposed to be?

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A couple of nights ago, one of my colleagues asked us if we think we’re at the place we should be. I said, “Yes.” Maybe, in the past, I would’ve said, “I think so” or “I don’t know.” However, every time I remember the chain of events that brought me here, I can certainly say that I’m where I’m supposed to.

Unfortunately, there are circumstances that will make me doubt, make me feel that I’m at the wrong place. Times when I mess things up. Times when I find myself completely lost at what I should be doing. Thoughts of I don’t belong here enter my mind and ideas of looking another destination will follow after.

Good thing I learned to comfort myself when these things happen. I found a way to tell myself that “No, you belong here” because I realized that not all mistakes happen because we’re forcing ourselves to belong in a place where we shouldn’t be. I realized that mistakes still happen at the right place because we still need to grow where we are even we’re already at “home.”

This week, I was sort of sent to the “principal’s office” because our client made a series of “complaints” regarding my work. It wasn’t the first time. However, during the other case with a different client, I questioned myself why am I working in this office, in this company. Because, to be honest, I had no background with this industry. I consider myself to be a newbie. So big mistakes make me think that this is not the place for me.

But this time, it’s different. I told myself that I won’t let my mistakes make me feel that I shouldn’t be where I am. Because they’re not the basis. I learned along the way that I don’t have to feel inadequate because God was the one who put me where I am. I didn’t make a wild guess when I picked this company. I prayed for it. Even fasted for it. So being here isn’t really random at all.

So every time something comes up that will make me question why I’m here. I just remind myself that God put me here. I’m here because of Him. Only Him can tell me that I shouldn’t be here. He just wants me to grow, be better where I am.

missing…

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I miss you.

You’re the only one who I could really talk to. About all the things in my head. About all the things out there. We don’t scratch the surface when we talk. We dive to deepest parts of these subjects and stay there for a long while. Hence, the long blocks of messages on our Facebook Messenger.

Since we went on our separate ways, I never got the chance to dwell on these things I only talk about with you. Well, I try. From time to time. But no one takes me to the height where you did. No one stimulates my interest the way you do. They’re not you after all. They don’t think like you. Never will be.

It’s times like this that makes me sad that I no longer have you with me. It’s times like this that makes me wish you’re still here. Waiting on the other side of my messages, writing your own thought-provoking replies that will send my head to overdrive.

Such a shame. Partly I’m to blame. But it seems we’re better off like this. No more crying. No more frustrations. No more hurt. We’re finally free from all the pain we’ve been directing to each other from the start.

Maybe we’re not supposed to be connected in the first place. Or maybe we’re just meant to be at each other’s side for awhile. And the reason why it had become so painful is because it had been the time to let go. Yet, we still fought to hold on.

Just so you know, even though it may seem inappropriate of me because “Who am I?” for me to do this, but I have already forgiven you. I wish you well. I hope you’re doing good. Maybe it’s still hard for me to see you, that I still prefer not to be in the same room as you, but I can attest that these sentiments are true.

Thank you for everything. I’m not hating on our memories anymore, but I’m relinquishing my tight hold on them and setting them loose. Just like my other memories, they’ll be like any other old pictures on my wall. No longer kept in a secluded box. No longer treated as special treasures.

I don’t know if this falls under the definition of “moved on,” but this is me “moved on.”

can we still be friends?

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I was walking out of my office building with my colleagues, heading to the nearest mall to buy lunch, when I got a message on Instagram. It was from my friend, asking me if the Instagram post she was linking me was real.

I looked at it and my heart jumped. It was Kris Wu standing beside Huang Zitao. I immediately thought it was photoshopped. I clicked. I was so wrong. It was a video clip during a New Year’s countdown in one of China’s TV stations.

IT. WAS. REAL.

I played the video. My eyes went wide. They didn’t just stand there side by side. They looked at each other and shared a smile. And after the countdown, after the clock struck 12, Kris pulled Zitao into a hug.

I felt my face gave out this huge smile. Kris and Zitao. Standing beside each other. Kris and Zitao. Together in the flesh. My heart was giddy with so much happiness. I wanted to jump and dance as I crossed the pedestrian. Gosh, I looked so stupid in delight.

 

Kris Wu and Huang Zitao. Who would have thought? I certainly didn’t.

I still remember May 2015. When Kris dropped the bomb on the whole KPOP. I was on my desk, working, when I saw the Twitter post that said he was leaving EXO. I froze on my seat. I stopped replying on our group chat and didn’t even looked at the colleague who was offering me a Krispy Kreme donut.

The first thought I had was Zitao and my eyes teared up. I said he must’ve been so shocked, hurt, betrayed, and devastated. It was only a matter of time before Zitao would post about his feelings on his Weibo and/or Instagram. And he did.

I was like, “No, no, no.” I didn’t want him to do it. He had so much haters at that time. Since debut for unknown reasons. His actions just made them bash him more mercilessly.

I wanted to hug him. Even though his words were angry and bitter, I knew he was hurting. Kris wasn’t just his bandmate. He was his friend and brother. The guy he looked up to. The guy he wished to be when he becomes older. His world must’ve shattered that day and thrown off balance. Kris was his protector. The person that somehow always made things better for him.

I was angry on Zitao’s behalf. I wished I could punch Kris that time. Because how could he? I wondered if Zitao meant anything to him at all, because if he did, why would he make him experience such pain?

Still, I also wanted to protect Kris from Zitao’s anger. I wanted to cradle Zitao’s small face and gently tell him not to say those words to his dear Kris-gege. Because obviously had enough of the whole idol system. He’s just human and could only put up with it so much. I wanted to believe that he felt bad leaving Zitao behind. That deep inside he was saying “sorry” for the hurt he caused. That his silence was him thinking, “He doesn’t understand it yet, but someday he will.” And Zitao did.

I remember the interview Zitao had. When he himself was out of EXO as well. In that interview, he humbled himself and apologized to the things he said. He even admitted that he finally understood where Kris was coming from when he left. I’m always in awe at how Zitao easily admits when he was wrong. Every. Single. Time. Such humility. Such authenticity. No pride. No malice. If only humans can be all like him.

I bought a Kris-Zitao photobook and thought of throwing it away. I seriously thought their friendship was doomed. That Zitao’s words just sent it straight to the grave. Because how could they fix something like that when they’re both in different countries and are no longer communicating?

But, obviously, I was wrong. (Good thing, I saved the photobook.)

I guess wounds really heal in time.

I never thought forgiveness and reconciliation could look this beautiful.

I’m so happy for the two of them. And it’s not because “Yay! My ship is back!” (I ship another couple), but I just know that not being able to see and talk to each other must’ve been really sad for them. I say this confidently because I believe what they had before all the mess was a very deep and meaningful friendship.

Thank you, Kris and Zitao. For showing me that broken friendships can still be mended. That there’s always hope even if we don’t see it. That time doesn’t kill what’s left, but instead saves it until it can be put back together. You two are beautiful.

hello, 2019 :)

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So, like always, the urge to blog is always strong when the new year comes. I really couldn’t seem to sustain this itch all the way to the end. Last year, I stopped blogging in March. It’s a bit frustrating when there’s so much to write about – my new work, the things I was learning from there, the things I was experiencing on the personal side of things, my new realizations, etc. Sadly, nothing came out of them as I, once again, allowed life to consume me.

I can cite a lot of reasons why I wasn’t able to blog – new work, new schedule, new routines, etc. However, I know that I was able to get over them along the way and, yet, I still didn’t go back to blogging. Maybe because I was hesitant to follow through my previous posts. Because the next entries I was ought to write didn’t have the same tone as the last posts. Because my thoughts at that time will highly put this blog into a huge contradiction. As if this blog will lose its purpose with my new writings.

Actually, I contemplated whether to make a new blog before writing this one. I think it was my “OC-ness” that makes me feel as if it’s just so wrong to post a new entry that doesn’t have the same tone and feel as the last entry. I was hoping that the new blog will have a “theme-free” thing, so I won’t have to worry about writing random stuff. However, for some reason, I decided to stick to this old one. Oh well.

I just hope, once again, that I’ll be able to stick to this blogging thing until December. I would really, really love to write a lot this year. As well as read, watch movies, listen to music, travel, etc. All the things I love to do, I pray that I could have time for them once more. Thank you.

dare to ask

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Before I left my previous job, I came up with a checklist of what I’d my next job should be. In that list, I mentioned the ideal location, type of company, field/industry, schedules, and salary. Since the time I settled the fact with myself that I’d leave my previous job, I was presenting this list to God everyday whenever I pray.

When I was in elementary, I remember one of our teachers telling us during our Christian Living class that we should be specific when pray so that God would know right away what to give us.

Growing up, I only prayed when I need something. One of the clearest memory I have wherein I put this “principle” into practice was towards the end of 2011 – when I was desperate to have a job by January 2012. (I think when adulthood drives us to desperation, we cling onto the things we used to believe in and learned as a child.)

However, when I read The Fourth Dimension by Dr. David Yonggi Cho recently, I realized that what we were told before wasn’t just some “made-up story” to make us pray. It was apparently the real deal. (That school really did so much in my life. I can never thank them enough.)

On the morning of March 9th, I was praying to God for the job interview I have that afternoon (the story behind this will be told in another post). I asked Him to share His wisdom to me, to guide me in answering the employer’s questions, to let me know if this is already the job He had prepared for me to get into next.

Then my mind suddenly thought what if they don’t offer good salary and benefits. So, I started praying for them right away. I prayed that they would offer a competitive salary, good benefits, etc. and I suddenly felt embarrassed because I felt that I was asking for too much, that I was being too demanding. I was so guilty, so I apologized.

This was probably the first time I felt embarrassed for asking a lot of things from God. I remember how shameless I was in the past whenever I pray. I did ask God to help me and my friends to secure a good spot at the JYJ open concert back in 2014! Like I said, shameless.

After praying, I opened my Bible (I was starting the Book of Psalms that day) and what He told me through the pages of His book blew me away. He didn’t tell me, “It’s okay, I understand.” Instead, He was saying, “What’s the matter with you? What you’re asking me right now are nothing. I can give you more than that if you just ask me.”

God never set a limit on our prayers.

He will never tell us that we’re asking for too much. He doesn’t tell us that we could only ask for things that come in a specific shape, size, or quantity. He doesn’t list and count the things we ask from Him. He will not stop us from asking Him for anything just because we have already asked 10,000 things from Him yesterday or last month.

God wants us to pray BIG prayers.

He wants us to dare Him to do the impossible. He wants us to give Him a room wherein He could perform His miracles. After all, God is capable of giving us unbelievable and unimaginable promises. If He can fulfill them all, then He can surely answer our measly prayers.

God just wants to astound us, but He wants us to let Him.

“I will proclaim the Lord’s decree:
He said to me, ‘You are my son, today I have become your father.
Ask me, and I will make the nations your inheritance,
the ends of the earth your possession.”
(Psalm 2:7-8)

where to next?

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I’m now officially unemployed. Whoo!

It’s surreal and weird to be just staying here at home, in my room, on a Friday. This isn’t the first time I quit a job, but unlike in the past, I feel as if I shouldn’t be here in my room.  Before, I would savor the smoothness of my bed – squeezing my pillows and rolling under my covers. Now, there’s a restlessness inside me that pushes me to go out and do something. Good thing, the thought of limited funds and weekend activities made me stay put in this house.

No, there’s no job yet, but I’m already looking. I already submitted my application to three companies (one already rejected me and it hurt). I know three isn’t enough considering I’m praying to have a new job next month. However, I can’t help but be strictly picky this time around. I have a checklist that I hope to fill for my “dream” job:

  • Located at the country’s top business district – it’s my comfort zone.
  • Morning shift – I’m done with mid-shifts, I want my evenings back.
  • Weekends off – my weekends are untouchable!
  • Non-BPO company – I’ve been working for BPOs since I finished college.
  • Has to do with marketing – copywriting or events will do.
  • Almost if not the same salary from my last job – I’m willing to haggle but not that much.

Of course, this isn’t entirely up to me. Though I have submitted this checklist to God, it’s still His plan that will push through. I’m not going to do this my way, but His. If this isn’t what He wants for me, then I’ll gladly accept it because I know that His plans will always be better than mine.

I have already experienced how good it is follow His plans. Never again will I force mine. Though I acknowledge that accepting, trusting, and obeying His will is not easy. No, it isn’t. It’s beyond challenging. It’s a struggle. It’s frustrating, stressful, and a whole lot of emotional whirlwind. And I know that it’s possible that I will undergo all of that again in the future because walking with God requires constant surrendering of your self, your plans, your dreams, your wants, and your needs.

When God told me that I’d be leaving my last job (as I have written last February 2017),  I cried. It was hard to accept that He was changing everything when I have already planned for my future already. However, I knew there was nothing I could do, because when God said something, it will happen. There’s nothing we can do to go against Him. We’re not that powerful. So if God says that He doesn’t agree with the my checklist, there’s nothing I can do. I’ll have to accept that.

When I begrudgingly accepted that I’d be leaving, I wasn’t in the position to leave yet. I was sent to London back in September 2016 and there was a training bond that came along with it, which means I couldn’t leave the company for one year or else I’d be paying some huge amount of money. I could’ve left and paid that, but I knew that God wouldn’t want me to spend money that I didn’t even have. He wanted me to wait and it was painful. It was a good thing though, because I still had no idea what I should do next.

When the bond ended, the pressure was on. I was free to leave, but I was still stuck. I still hadn’t figured out what I was going to do. I had no idea what to do look for. I was thinking that I had already exhausted all of my options. Of course, I was wrong. Then one day, during a conference in our church back in October 2017, I heard God’s voice. While listening to the pastor absentmindedly (because I was exhausted and had only a couple of hours of sleep) about his one experience in the past about leaving a job, I heard Him telling me, “It’s okay. Leave.”

Just like that, I was relieved. I still had no plans or strategies. I also had no savings (unlike in my second to the last job, I had no means of doubling my salary in any way because there was no extra workload to be taken). However, despite all that, all my worries were gone. I just trust God completely with this one. Suddenly, the ideas of what things I could do next started coming to me. I knew I’d be fine. I was at peace.

Ever since that blessed October day, I have prayed relentlessly about my resignation and job hunting. I give all my concerns to Him every single day. Repeatedly. Because despite knowing that God has my back, circumstances try to force me to think that I made the worst decision in my life. They’re causing me to panic. Just like last Saturday when I couldn’t help but worry as I watch my dwindling savings, I rushed to the job portal I use to look for a job. That’s when I learned that one my of applications was rejected. I was crushed. I couldn’t sleep. I cried. Thoughts of not being able to find a job on time came rushing to me.

Fortunately, I knew better now.

Even though it was midnight, I picked up my devotional notebook and Bible and prayed. I was troubled. I thought I’d lose my momentum, my footing, and will start crashing down once again. I needed comfort and peace. His presence provided me just that. He told me that He will protect me from any discouragement that circumstances will throw at me.

“On the twelfth day of the first month,
we set out from the Ahana Canal to go to Jerusalem.
The hand of God was on us,
and He protected us from enemies and bandits along the way.”
(Ezra 8:31)

jumping to 2018

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I have to admit that 2017 ended in a not-so high note for me. Yes, the last month was uplifting and hopeful, but majority of the last quarter was all tears, anger, pain, hurt, and frustration. It was so unbearable to the point that I wasn’t looking forward to 2018, because I thought none of the things that are weighing me down would come to an end.

However, God is gracious and merciful. He gifted me strength, courage, wisdom, faith, hope, joy, peace, protection, and love on my birthday last December. All of the sudden, I could breathe, smile, and laugh again. Even though my 29th birthday wasn’t how I hoped it was, He still gave me the best presents I could ever have at that time.

Due to His gifts, I was able to anticipate 2018 with a bit of excitement (there was one thing that made me want to cling onto 2017, but He also took care of that at the nick of time). I even made some resolutions. Simple ones. Like I intend to wear colorful and stylish clothes (I mostly have simple blouses with neutral colors in my wardrobe – I want more color! I blame this from watching too much Gossip Girl, but I just have to achieve even the tip of the casual!Serena van der Woodsen style). I also hope to learn how to use makeup  (yes, at 29, I still really suck at it). So, before 2017 ended, I dragged my older sister to the nearby thrift shops to look for cute clothes and I shopped for a pair of shoes and bag at the trade sale at some mall. As for the makeup part, I have yet to talk to one of my friends who’s a makeup expert.

Another resolution is an old one – to write more often. Though I did better last year, I still suck compared to the goal I have set. I wasn’t even able to write about my Taipei trip, my high school friend’s wedding,  my experience at Kim Jaejoong’s fan meeting here in Manila, and…my thoughts about Kim Jonghyun’s suicide. Among other things. I wasn’t able to write about my struggles also and my realizations from those struggles. I hope I could do better this year. I don’t know how but I will try again. I also hope I could write about the things I mentioned above even though they’re already overdue.

Lastly, at the beginning of this year, I found myself praying for something – that, this 2018, may there be more of God and less of me. I’m fully committing to let go and let God control every single aspect of my life starting this year. As Carrie Underwood had sung over a decade ago, “Jesus take the wheel.” No more arguing, no more fighting, no more pushing and pulling. I intend to walk in obedience to God this time, to wholeheartedly pursue a holy life like God wants us to do. It won’t be easy, but at this point of my life, it’s important for me to have God’s presence at all times and I can only do that if I stopped falling into unfaithfulness.

There are a lot of unknowns this year. I have some plans and I have no idea how they will transpire. By Monday, I’ll be handing my resignation and I don’t know where I can possibly end up next. There’s also pursuing a master’s degree at my dream school, which so happens to be one of the most expensive universities in the country and I still have ZERO savings for that. So, I have nothing right now except to entrust everything to God because, with Him, nothing’s impossible and I have learned that if we follow God’s path for our lives, there’s nothing but good things for us along the journey.

“And David became more and more powerful,
because the Lord Almighty was with him.”
(1 Chronicles 11:9 NIV)