how he loves us

When all of the sudden
I am unaware of these afflictions
Eclipsed by glory
And I realized just how beautiful You are
And how great your affections are for me.
(Jesus Culture – How He Loves Us)

For weeks until last week, I have been feeling a bit off in some incomprehensible way. I couldn’t really point out what it really was but it made me feel a couple of things – some intangible, some concrete.

One of the concrete things it made me feel is loneliness.

I feel as if I have no friends.

(Well, aside from a couple of people who I rarely see or spend time with.)

At work, I feel so alone.

From having a solid group of friends, it seems now that I have none.

Whenever I approach people, I feel as if they just talk to me out of politeness. They entertain me but don’t totally let me in. I’m never involved in their lives. I’m never a part of it.

Reaching out has made me feel a bit tired.

I say they only remember me when there’s something they want to make happen – a baby shower for someone (though I did want a baby shower for someone), a farewell surprise for another, a congratulatory celebration for people who’ll be taking their board exams, etc. Don’t get me wrong, I love doing these things for themI just hope that I could be more than someone who can make these things happen.

When I’m not there, no one will really – like really – miss me.

No one needs me for me.

Everyone just seems to need me for what I can do.

Then last Wednesday, a friend of mine asked me if I have something to do after work. I said I’m free and teased her about missing me. She said, “Yes.”

I wasn’t totally excited but I was happy.

I looked forward to it.

After work, we walked around outside our building to find a place to eat a very late dinner. We found one and talked. She told me about some stuff that she’s finding it hard to share to other people. I gave her my own views, explained some of her whys, and shared some of my own stuff.

It was just a couple of hours but I was filled with so much joy.

The next morning, I told a very close friend of mine about it.

I said that invitation for the late dinner meant so much to me, because at that moment I was someone else’s friend.

I was missed because we weren’t spending that much time with each other. I make someone else’s day happy and complete. I was important because I’m the only one who she could share some things with at that particular time.

I was a friend who, at that time, didn’t have to be the one who reached out but a friend who was reached out to.

That friend I shared these feelings with told me that it was God’s gift to me. I didn’t see it that way and I was thankful that she was able to make me look at it like that. So, I prayed to God and thanked Him for it.

As I was thanking Him, I realized something.

Does God feel lonely too…
When He reaches out to people only to be just being entertained for a little while?
When He realizes He’s still not a part of that person’s life after talking to him or her?
When He is simply someone people need when they want to make something happen?
When He feels no one misses Him even for a little when they don’t spend time with Him?

On the other hand…

When we invite Him for a very late dinner, 
When we reach out to Him and shared our problems and thoughts to Him, 
When we need Him for who He is instead of what He can do,
When we treat Him like a friend,
Does He feel overwhelmed with so much joy too as if His heart would burst?

While asking Him these questions, I was crying.

When I shared these thoughts to my friend, my eyes were glazed with tears.

I have known since who-knows-when that God loves us so much – greatly and unconditionally.

He sacrificed His son to save us from our sins. He forgives us repeatedly despite our stubbornness. He reaches out to us continuously and tirelessly even though we reject Him over and over again.

However, that day, it’s as if it’s the first time all over again of learning about the kind of love He has for us.

These thoughts still overwhelm me until now. Even last Sunday, while the worship team was singing “How He Loves Us” for the communion, I remember these once again and I couldn’t help but cry.

I pray that people will welcome Him and involve Him in their lives because having Him brings so much happiness, joy, and peace.

I pray that people will see God more than just their provided and problem-solver. I pray that people will see God as their best friend.

Advertisements

time to “work”

Last January, I made this blog and swore to myself that this wouldn’t be ignore like the first blogs I made.

Yeah, right.

I was doing really well for three months, but reality took over. Again. As always.

Did I get lazy? Hmm. No (I know what being lazy is because I was one that’s why I know this wasn’t laziness).

Did I run out of things to write about? Nope. I have a list of things I wanted to write about. I just didn’t get around into writing them.

Did I become busy? Yes, in a preoccupied and distracted kind of way. Around March, I suddenly got a lot of things on my hands – important things that needed attending to and unnecessary things that robbed me off my time to sit down and write.

The “unnecessary things” are downloaded movies, mobile games, YouTube videos, etc. However, the “important things” involve growing spiritually, so I wasn’t worried. I just lifted my writing up to God, and said, I’m not going to write on my own. I’m going to write with You. So, let me know if there’s something You want me to write, then I’ll go writing again.

So, from March up to this month, all the writing I’ve been doing were letters to friends, prayers to God, and daily devotions. Aside from those, nothing else. I didn’t stress about it, because I know God got my back. Besides, the urge to write isn’t there. There’s no use forcing the issue. I will just frustrate myself.

However, for the last couple of weeks, the Lord has been talking about gifts and talents with me through my devotions. At first, I didn’t understand why this is what He’s been telling me. I only started getting it when certain friends started asking me about my writing. They began telling me to get back to writing already and to prioritize it before doing anything else (there’s this freelance job that I got tempted for a bit). I didn’t do anything though, then God smack me in the head.

“Sow you seed in the morning, and at the evening let your hands not be idle, for you do not know which one will succeed, whether this or that, or whether both will do equally well.” – Ecclesiastes 11:6 

Our pastor talked about how to succeed in life and zeroed in on the Bible passage above. The message hit home. Hard. I heard it loud and clear.

To put everything simply, the seed we sow in the morning is our job and whatever we busy with our hands in the evening is our work. Apparently, there’s a different between the two. A job is wherein we perform certain tasks for someone in specific hours of the day in exchange for a certain amount of money while work is using our passion, our talent, our God-given talent for a living.

In my case, my job is an administrative assistant. I work from 3:30pm to 11:30pm, but my passion is to write and I can only succeed in it if I develop it outside office hours. I have to work hard on it up to the point that I can finally make a living out of it. Still, I mustn’t neglect my job because it’s still need to be seen which one will bring me success – being an office staff or a writer. I might also hit the jackpot if they do equally well.

So, if that’s not yet God pushing me to go back to writing, I don’t know what that is. I can’t delay this anymore.

when god speaks

I have been in five companies since I graduated in 2009 before I came to work in my current job and it’s the best workplace I have ever been.

I was happy, I was thankful. I believed that God answered my prayers about Him bringing me to a company that could possibly be the last workplace I’m going to stay until I die. Exaggeration, I know.

We have the best bosses any employees could’ve ever hoped for. They always put our welfare before anything else. They provide us with everything we need. They make sure that we feel comfortable in the office every single day. They were perfect.

Aside from that, they always provide us opportunities that would help us grow. They took me to London last September and it was amazing!

However, somewhere along the way, things have changed.

After the London trip, one of the British staff resigned and her job was passed onto me temporarily. For three months, I juggled two jobs – mine and hers. It was no easy feat, but I tried my best to handle both of them until I had to sacrifice my job to do my temporary one because it was more time sensitive. I’m a multi-tasker but I realized that doing more than one job is different from doing more than one task.

I began to hate the work. However, I told myself, it’s just because of the temporary job I had to do. Everything would go back to normal once they found a new person for the said job. So, I endured everything and, true enough, they hired a new staff. I was free again. I was back to my original job.

Still, it wasn’t the same anymore. I couldn’t pinpoint it exactly. It was as if my heart’s not in the job anymore. I don’t feel the excitement I used to feel even if the task I’m working on isn’t really exciting. Nevertheless, I tried to brush everything off because I might just be getting used to normalcy again.

Then, during the Christmas vacation, while I was lying on my bed, doing nothing and thinking of nothing, I heart a voice. The voice said, “You’re going to leave *insert our company’s name.*” I cried right away. I didn’t want to leave my job, but I know that it would happen. The voice was incontestable. It was final. It was absolute.

It was God’s.

I knew it was His because I couldn’t argue with it. I already had my own plans for my future and yet I know that the voice’s will would prevail over my plans. True enough, from my devotion, I learned that when God speaks, things will happen. His voice can change any situation and His voice changed everything for me.

When I went back to work, I would look around me and feel sad. I don’t know where I’ll be leaving, but I can’t help but miss everything already. I cried over it a lot. But I don’t ask God why. This is one of the things that accepting God has done for me – I learned not to question His will.

Also, everything has been settled as well. My heart no longer beats for the best company I have ever known. It’s now focused on what God has in store for me in the future.