burying angeldc

Who is “angelDC”?

“angelDC” is the username I started using in my online accounts right after I graduated from college. It’s from the combination of my high school girl crush and my initials. Childish, I know.

It’s also the username I used to publish my online stories – fan fictions, to be exact. I started in the anime fandom then moved into the KPOP fandom. I had OTPs (or “one true pairs“) and learned all fan fiction vocabulary.

It was during high school when I read my first fan fictions. However, it was in college when I wrote my first fan fiction. I was bored in class that time and I had plenty of time to put together a story. The outcome was clumsy and cringe-y, but at that time, I was proud of it. My first ever story was innocent. The next stories, however, were not so much.

I quickly jumped to BL fan fictions (stories about boys falling in love with each other). At first, they were just cute and sweet stories or what fan fiction classifies as “fluff.” When I moved into the KPOP fandom, the stories turned darker. I wrote about underage sex, third parties, rape, and all those stuff. I got into writing these things. It was awkward at first, but I got used to it that they became accurate and more graphic.

I was in a middle of multi-chapter fan fictions a year ago when I just lost all the ideas I had for them. At first, I thought I was just having a writer’s block, but weeks turned into months without writing and I was in a sort of panic. It didn’t help that I was thinking of publishing a book already. At that time, I believed writing was all I have. Writing was what makes me special. It was my gift. If I lose it, I would be nothing.

However, it was during that time when I was led back to God. I filled the emptiness with Him. I started reading the Bible and going to church. That’s when I became guilty about how I’ve been writing. I know I’m good at writing. My readers told me so. Even though my skills with writing showed up late, I know it was my forte. Writing was my gift. It was God’s gift to me but I misused it.

After spending time with God through devotions, cell groups, Bible readings and Sunday services, my perspective regarding a lot of things changed a lot. I learned about the what I have been doing wrong. I realized I have been using my gift to spread the wrong things. After that realization, I welcomed the writer’s block and decided that I would no longer write any more fan fictions.

Thus, I needed to put this username to rest now. It’s not me anymore. I changed the usernames of my Twitter, Instagram and Tumblr accounts into something else. Also, I have decided to delete all my fan fictions from the Internet as well as the Asianfanfics, Livejournal and Fanfiction.net accounts where these fan fictions were posted.

I have also made a vow to myself to no longer read stories – books and fan fictions alike – with themes of LGBT, mental issues and sex. Though, I have to admit it’s a tough battle. The itch to dive into that world is very strong. At some days, the urge wins over me. I was supposed to delete the fan fictions weeks ago, but I find it hard to say goodbye to them. Bad as they are, I still worked hard on them.

However, tonight, it’s going to end.

I have faith that I will be able to write new stuff again and, this time, God will write them with me. They’re going to be better than my old material. Writing with God is better than writing by myself.

P.S. Links will be dead by the time this post is published.

time to “work”

Last January, I made this blog and swore to myself that this wouldn’t be ignore like the first blogs I made.

Yeah, right.

I was doing really well for three months, but reality took over. Again. As always.

Did I get lazy? Hmm. No (I know what being lazy is because I was one that’s why I know this wasn’t laziness).

Did I run out of things to write about? Nope. I have a list of things I wanted to write about. I just didn’t get around into writing them.

Did I become busy? Yes, in a preoccupied and distracted kind of way. Around March, I suddenly got a lot of things on my hands – important things that needed attending to and unnecessary things that robbed me off my time to sit down and write.

The “unnecessary things” are downloaded movies, mobile games, YouTube videos, etc. However, the “important things” involve growing spiritually, so I wasn’t worried. I just lifted my writing up to God, and said, I’m not going to write on my own. I’m going to write with You. So, let me know if there’s something You want me to write, then I’ll go writing again.

So, from March up to this month, all the writing I’ve been doing were letters to friends, prayers to God, and daily devotions. Aside from those, nothing else. I didn’t stress about it, because I know God got my back. Besides, the urge to write isn’t there. There’s no use forcing the issue. I will just frustrate myself.

However, for the last couple of weeks, the Lord has been talking about gifts and talents with me through my devotions. At first, I didn’t understand why this is what He’s been telling me. I only started getting it when certain friends started asking me about my writing. They began telling me to get back to writing already and to prioritize it before doing anything else (there’s this freelance job that I got tempted for a bit). I didn’t do anything though, then God smack me in the head.

“Sow you seed in the morning, and at the evening let your hands not be idle, for you do not know which one will succeed, whether this or that, or whether both will do equally well.” – Ecclesiastes 11:6 

Our pastor talked about how to succeed in life and zeroed in on the Bible passage above. The message hit home. Hard. I heard it loud and clear.

To put everything simply, the seed we sow in the morning is our job and whatever we busy with our hands in the evening is our work. Apparently, there’s a different between the two. A job is wherein we perform certain tasks for someone in specific hours of the day in exchange for a certain amount of money while work is using our passion, our talent, our God-given talent for a living.

In my case, my job is an administrative assistant. I work from 3:30pm to 11:30pm, but my passion is to write and I can only succeed in it if I develop it outside office hours. I have to work hard on it up to the point that I can finally make a living out of it. Still, I mustn’t neglect my job because it’s still need to be seen which one will bring me success – being an office staff or a writer. I might also hit the jackpot if they do equally well.

So, if that’s not yet God pushing me to go back to writing, I don’t know what that is. I can’t delay this anymore.

when god speaks

I have been in five companies since I graduated in 2009 before I came to work in my current job and it’s the best workplace I have ever been.

I was happy, I was thankful. I believed that God answered my prayers about Him bringing me to a company that could possibly be the last workplace I’m going to stay until I die. Exaggeration, I know.

We have the best bosses any employees could’ve ever hoped for. They always put our welfare before anything else. They provide us with everything we need. They make sure that we feel comfortable in the office every single day. They were perfect.

Aside from that, they always provide us opportunities that would help us grow. They took me to London last September and it was amazing!

However, somewhere along the way, things have changed.

After the London trip, one of the British staff resigned and her job was passed onto me temporarily. For three months, I juggled two jobs – mine and hers. It was no easy feat, but I tried my best to handle both of them until I had to sacrifice my job to do my temporary one because it was more time sensitive. I’m a multi-tasker but I realized that doing more than one job is different from doing more than one task.

I began to hate the work. However, I told myself, it’s just because of the temporary job I had to do. Everything would go back to normal once they found a new person for the said job. So, I endured everything and, true enough, they hired a new staff. I was free again. I was back to my original job.

Still, it wasn’t the same anymore. I couldn’t pinpoint it exactly. It was as if my heart’s not in the job anymore. I don’t feel the excitement I used to feel even if the task I’m working on isn’t really exciting. Nevertheless, I tried to brush everything off because I might just be getting used to normalcy again.

Then, during the Christmas vacation, while I was lying on my bed, doing nothing and thinking of nothing, I heart a voice. The voice said, “You’re going to leave *insert our company’s name.*” I cried right away. I didn’t want to leave my job, but I know that it would happen. The voice was incontestable. It was final. It was absolute.

It was God’s.

I knew it was His because I couldn’t argue with it. I already had my own plans for my future and yet I know that the voice’s will would prevail over my plans. True enough, from my devotion, I learned that when God speaks, things will happen. His voice can change any situation and His voice changed everything for me.

When I went back to work, I would look around me and feel sad. I don’t know where I’ll be leaving, but I can’t help but miss everything already. I cried over it a lot. But I don’t ask God why. This is one of the things that accepting God has done for me – I learned not to question His will.

Also, everything has been settled as well. My heart no longer beats for the best company I have ever known. It’s now focused on what God has in store for me in the future.