reuniting with matilda

img_8244One of my favorite movies as a child was “Matilda.” I remember my mom bringing home a copy of it on a VHS so that we don’t have to rent it from the stores. I watched it a lot to the point I memorized the dialogues. But despite all that, I still suck as a fan because I didn’t know it was a book – a children’s book – by Roald Dahl until a couple of years back. I suck as a fan.

Last year, Mara Wilson (better known as Matilda to us who grew up with that movie) released a book. An autobiography. Upon the announcement, I knew I had to have her book. I remember going to bookstores in Stratford when I was in London looking for it. I was so excited because the UK release coincided with my stay there. However, it seems that book releases don’t work that easily even in the UK, so I came home empty handed. Good thing, my colleague offered to buy it for me online and I got it.

“Where Am I Now?” is the first book I read this year. I am still in a state of utter speechlessness. I didn’t even wrote a review on my Goodreads because I don’t know how to put all the feels I got from the book on coherent writing.

All I know is that I loved reading the book. Mara’s a really good writer. She’s engaging and funny. I felt everything she put down on paper. Which was why, reading the book was also hard for me.

I knew it was about her life since it was an autobiography. So, I knew I’d finally learn where she had been after leaving Hollywood. However, It wasn’t just your typical narration and I was caught off guard. I was shocked, confused, heartbroken, relieved, etc.

She didn’t just talk about her career and life after Hollywood, she talked about sex (how she learned about it and how she struggled with her thoughts about it), death and religion (which really got my brain working), mental health (this got me on my feet), relationships, breaking up with Hollywood, being in a choir, losing her mother, NYU, Robin Williams, and her present.

I wasn’t ready for the book. I knew it upon reading the first few pages.

It left me bothered, especially on the part when she let go of her belief in God. That really got me thinking. It’s not because I’m against atheism. I’m a very open-minded person and I respect each and everyone’s beliefs. I just couldn’t figure out how she just let it go so easily. Well, she struggled at first, but I guess I was looking for a specific huge life-changing event (like something tragic) that could’ve altered her perception about God. Anyway, my friend told me we have our own unique journeys when it comes to God.

I was also left worried when she discussed her OCD. Because of what I’ve been through last year, I wondered if I have some mental health issues of my own. I have put the thoughts aside towards the end of the year but this book brought them back and it brought them really strong. Thank goodness I have a friend who knows how to calm me down when I worry too much. Now, I’m all good once again.

Nothing could’ve prepared me for this book. I didn’t read any detailed reviews. I just knew it was a good book. Mara Wilson is that good. So aside from the confusion, I was left inspired. I learned a lot and I hope she’ll release another book soon. This time I know what I am up against.

me + business = ?

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Things that have to do with money (finance, business, banking, etc) are very abstract to me. Much more abstract than real abstract things like love and pain. I can’t seem to fathom these things even if they are explained to me very carefully in the most basic way.

It’s the reason why I didn’t take up accountancy even if I have a fairly acceptable math skills. It’s the reason why I avoided any business courses in every university I applied to. It’s the reason why I clung into history, arts and literature.

Then, last year, I landed a job at an Australian accounting firm. However, I don’t work with accounting people. Confusing? There’s a very complicated explanation behind that. The simplest way to put it is the accounting firm is also an offshoring company. They lease staff to other companies.

So, basically, I work for a promotional products company based in UK and my work doesn’t have anything to do with numbers. I write copies on our website, articles on our newsletter, and tweets on our SNS. That’s all. Though sometimes the money side squeezes itself onto my realm, I don’t have to worry about it that much.

In 2nd of January of this year, while I was eating dinner with my friend, I found myself getting into something I never thought I would get involved with in my whole life.

This friend of mine is driven and passionate when it comes to things she finds interesting and worth it. That includes money stuff (she and my mom hit it off when they discussed insurance stuff while I just ate chicken between them). She has always told me that she wanted to have a business of her own so that she can handle her own time. I always don’t know what to say to this because business is not really my kind of thing.

Then, she asked, “Is there already a…?”

“No,” I answered.

The idea clicked and she was like, “That’s it!”

It was an interesting idea actually and I found myself giving suggestions on how she can make it happen. Suddenly, her idea became OUR idea. Her business became OUR business.

I wanted to talk myself out of it. I tried to tell her I’m not into business stuff (which she already knows). However, she told me that she can’t put it up on her own because some of her weaknesses happen to be my strengths. She even assured me that I won’t have to deal with the things I don’t want to deal with like the legal stuff. So, I agreed.

However, there’s nothing to get excited about yet. We only have an idea as of now. We have no capital or anything at all. Still, it’s something we’re starting to work on now. We’re reading business books, looking at ideas that could work with the business we have in mind, etc.

To be honest, there’s also a part of me that wants to be in this. The business falls under one of my interests, so I know that I could make myself patient with it. Still, I’m still doubtful if the two of us will be able to work long enough to make it happen or this is just some byproduct of the New Year’s high.

Nevertheless, it won’t hurt to learn new things.

in and out of the gray

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A year ago, I was very enthusiastic about 2016. I guess it was because 2015 had been a fantastic year for me. Towards the end of 2015, I found myself watching videos after videos about journaling – bullet journaling, smashbooking, etc. I was eager to make them the coming 2016, kind of like a personal project.

Then, in the middle of the year, everything sort of came crashing down.

I don’t know what really happened. Everything was going perfectly fine during the first half of 2016. I was keeping up with my goals. I was reading books after books. I was writing chapters after chapter of my online story. All of the sudden, I lost my drive to do these things. Everything felt like a burden. I couldn’t even listen to my playlist because I felt that I didn’t like all the songs I had despite them being my favorites. For whatever reason, I felt utterly lonely and hopeless.

I didn’t know what to do. It felt like there was no way out. Even though I had a trip to London (the place that I had been dreaming to see since I was a kid), it seemed that the sadness was endless. Then the jetlag from that trip added to my anxiety. I couldn’t do my job. I was lashing out at my closest friend. That’s when I knew I had to put everything to a stop…even though I don’t know how.

Thankfully, I met new people – workmates who entered our company in 2016. I’m a kind of person who doesn’t open up to people, but I realized that at that point I couldn’t keep everything to myself. I knew I needed someone else to share my burdens. So, I opened up to some of these people. They listened. They understood. They gave help.

Slowly, things started going back to normal. I was happy again. Work became bearable and I had the best time when I had my December trip to Seoul.

Just like how the slip to depression started, I also couldn’t pinpoint how things began to pick up again. Did listening to the words of the people around me do that? Did doing what they told me to changed things? It was amazing.

For some reason, I have to say, it was a joyful experience. Now, in this new year, I feel better. Despite knowing that I will have the tendency to go back to that rough patch again, I know I’ll be okay.

back to blogging

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A year ago, I made a resolution – to keep a journal.

Though there were times that I neglected it (weeks to a month), I have to say I did fairly well with it. It could’ve been worse.

Then days prior to the 31st of December, I came up with something – to go back to blogging.

Blogging isn’t new to me. I started blogging back around 2000s. I was in high school then and blogging wasn’t as complicated as it is now.

Back then, it was basically like an online diary. You wrote about your day. It was fun as it allowed my friends and I to stay updated to each other’s lives. High school was busy most of the times that hanging out was a luxury.

I closed my first blog after graduating from college. I thought I needed a new start. I created a new blog and wrote about my early adventures in the ‘working world.’ Unfortunately, this new world was very demanding that I failed to keep up with my blogging. Then, there’s also the pressure coming from the development of the platform itself. Somehow, these things made me lose interest with it.

Then, a couple of years ago, I decided to go back to it. I told myself to just blog like I used to back when I was a teen. Why should I worry about readers anyway? So, it went well for awhile. Sadly, work got in the way once again.

I thought I’m done with blogging. I was surprised at myself for thinking of doing it again. I guess that’s what New Years do to someone. It makes them think of things that they can do on the next 365 days.

I tried to shut the idea off but the determination to do it was so strong. Giving in to the demands of my own mind, I made a new blog a week ago. Now, I’m writing on it. (What will happen to journaling? It will still go on.)

Hopefully, I can stick with this.