burying angeldc

Who is “angelDC”?

“angelDC” is the username I started using in my online accounts right after I graduated from college. It’s from the combination of my high school girl crush and my initials. Childish, I know.

It’s also the username I used to publish my online stories – fan fictions, to be exact. I started in the anime fandom then moved into the KPOP fandom. I had OTPs (or “one true pairs“) and learned all fan fiction vocabulary.

It was during high school when I read my first fan fictions. However, it was in college when I wrote my first fan fiction. I was bored in class that time and I had plenty of time to put together a story. The outcome was clumsy and cringe-y, but at that time, I was proud of it. My first ever story was innocent. The next stories, however, were not so much.

I quickly jumped to BL fan fictions (stories about boys falling in love with each other). At first, they were just cute and sweet stories or what fan fiction classifies as “fluff.” When I moved into the KPOP fandom, the stories turned darker. I wrote about underage sex, third parties, rape, and all those stuff. I got into writing these things. It was awkward at first, but I got used to it that they became accurate and more graphic.

I was in a middle of multi-chapter fan fictions a year ago when I just lost all the ideas I had for them. At first, I thought I was just having a writer’s block, but weeks turned into months without writing and I was in a sort of panic. It didn’t help that I was thinking of publishing a book already. At that time, I believed writing was all I have. Writing was what makes me special. It was my gift. If I lose it, I would be nothing.

However, it was during that time when I was led back to God. I filled the emptiness with Him. I started reading the Bible and going to church. That’s when I became guilty about how I’ve been writing. I know I’m good at writing. My readers told me so. Even though my skills with writing showed up late, I know it was my forte. Writing was my gift. It was God’s gift to me but I misused it.

After spending time with God through devotions, cell groups, Bible readings and Sunday services, my perspective regarding a lot of things changed a lot. I learned about the what I have been doing wrong. I realized I have been using my gift to spread the wrong things. After that realization, I welcomed the writer’s block and decided that I would no longer write any more fan fictions.

Thus, I needed to put this username to rest now. It’s not me anymore. I changed the usernames of my Twitter, Instagram and Tumblr accounts into something else. Also, I have decided to delete all my fan fictions from the Internet as well as the Asianfanfics, Livejournal and Fanfiction.net accounts where these fan fictions were posted.

I have also made a vow to myself to no longer read stories – books and fan fictions alike – with themes of LGBT, mental issues and sex. Though, I have to admit it’s a tough battle. The itch to dive into that world is very strong. At some days, the urge wins over me. I was supposed to delete the fan fictions weeks ago, but I find it hard to say goodbye to them. Bad as they are, I still worked hard on them.

However, tonight, it’s going to end.

I have faith that I will be able to write new stuff again and, this time, God will write them with me. They’re going to be better than my old material. Writing with God is better than writing by myself.

P.S. Links will be dead by the time this post is published.

Advertisements

and i’m alive

I was sliding. There was nothing to hold onto. The rocks were smooth and wet. No rough edges could stop me from going straight down. I already pictured what would happen. Then, I silently and loudly called, “Lord!” Just then, everything stopped.

My friends from work went for a climb at Mt. Balagbag (Rodriguez, Rizal) yesterday. It was an easy climb. It was more of a trek actually. Still, it was tiring. Walking up a hill isn’t easy anyway if you didn’t grow up in such a place.

After the climb, we went to one of the nearby waterfalls. I think it was called “Otso-Otso.” There were a lot of people in the front so we headed up to look for a spot where we could relax.

I took pictures of the falls with one of my friends while the others are already dipping in the water. Then, we called them to swim where the falls is so that it would be more fun. The water was cold but refreshing. We took pictures with someone’s GoPro (I put my phone aside with my friend’s so that it won’t fall on the water) and joked around.

Then, it was time to go.

I climbed back up from the water. I was wet all over. I put on my slippers and picked up my phone along with my friend’s phone and watch. Then, I headed carefully to where my stuff is with my hands were both occupied – my left hand was holding a monopod where my phone was attached and my right hand was holding my friend’s phone and watch. Then, it happened.

I slipped. On the rocks. By the edge of the waterfalls.

My butt landed on a rock and I felt myself sliding down. The rocks were very smooth and there were no rough edges to stop my fall. My head was filled visions of the next chain of events – I would roll down along the rocks, bump my head against them and land on the shallow cold water. I didn’t reach the part of how I would look like after all that. I just immediately called on the one being that could possibly help me – God.

My heart called for Him. Upon the first cry, it was like the time froze. I wasn’t sliding anymore. I was shocked in disbelief.

A friend of mine rushed to my side. She clung onto my right arm, hoping and trying to keep me in place. However, there was no need for that anymore. I was already safe. Everyone was shouting something, but I just told them to calm down. I felt like I would really fall if they kept on their loud voices.

Stupidly, my first concern was the stuff in my hands. I looked on my left where my phone was. It got detached from my monopod, but luckily it was still plugged into the cord. It was hanging there on the edge. I immediately handed it over to my friend who was beside me as well as the other phone and watch in my other hand.

Free from everything, I got up on my feet. On my own.

The back of my ankles were hurting and so was my butt. However, I was all fine. No wounds or even scratches. I was alive.

Usually, such incidents would leave me high on adrenaline. I’m a thrill seeker and that should’ve been a perfect thrill. However, I was scared. For the first time, the thing that would usually excite me scared me. Scared me so much that I called on God.

I couldn’t help but be amazed. God heard me and He was really there. He was the one who kept me in place when I should’ve went straight to my end. He was also the one who told me to stand up. He saved me – literally – and it was overwhelming.