in and out of the gray

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A year ago, I was very enthusiastic about 2016. I guess it was because 2015 had been a fantastic year for me. Towards the end of 2015, I found myself watching videos after videos about journaling – bullet journaling, smashbooking, etc. I was eager to make them the coming 2016, kind of like a personal project.

Then, in the middle of the year, everything sort of came crashing down.

I don’t know what really happened. Everything was going perfectly fine during the first half of 2016. I was keeping up with my goals. I was reading books after books. I was writing chapters after chapter of my online story. All of the sudden, I lost my drive to do these things. Everything felt like a burden. I couldn’t even listen to my playlist because I felt that I didn’t like all the songs I had despite them being my favorites. For whatever reason, I felt utterly lonely and hopeless.

I didn’t know what to do. It felt like there was no way out. Even though I had a trip to London (the place that I had been dreaming to see since I was a kid), it seemed that the sadness was endless. Then the jetlag from that trip added to my anxiety. I couldn’t do my job. I was lashing out at my closest friend. That’s when I knew I had to put everything to a stop…even though I don’t know how.

Thankfully, I met new people – workmates who entered our company in 2016. I’m a kind of person who doesn’t open up to people, but I realized that at that point I couldn’t keep everything to myself. I knew I needed someone else to share my burdens. So, I opened up to some of these people. They listened. They understood. They gave help.

Slowly, things started going back to normal. I was happy again. Work became bearable and I had the best time when I had my December trip to Seoul.

Just like how the slip to depression started, I also couldn’t pinpoint how things began to pick up again. Did listening to the words of the people around me do that? Did doing what they told me to changed things? It was amazing.

For some reason, I have to say, it was a joyful experience. Now, in this new year, I feel better. Despite knowing that I will have the tendency to go back to that rough patch again, I know I’ll be okay.